#IWONTKEEPQUIET

#ICANTKEEPQUIET

Rock bottom looks different for each person; mine came on a night when I couldn’t take the lies – mental and emotional abuse – any longer.

My ex and I had a very unhealthy relationship from the beginning. When we first me, we lived in different cities and talked over the phone often. I let him know that I didn’t want to be with someone who was friends with his exes. In hindsight, it was my insecurities which drove this desire and he agreed to end the friendships. As the relationship moved forward, I ended up moving to Portland to live with him.

I had always been skeptical of his relationship with his exes since they were also family friends, but you know – being young and in love – you want to believe that the person you are with will love and respect you enough to be honest with you and here is a shocking one – want to see you be happy. (Can we say “naive?”)

My ex used my insecurities against me constantly, to the point that I felt as though I was going crazy. He lied to me on a daily basis – about going to work (even though his paychecks never reflected the right hours of pay), about hanging out with friends (who would cover for him when I would ask them how ____ was), about female friends that I hadn’t known of previously (but were “just friends”). Seriously, it was a full-time job to fact check and keep track of his every move, but I did it for many reasons, which are besides the point right now.

There are certain points in one’s life which affect you deeply – turning points which forever change you from the person you were – to the person you will become. For me, this came on a night when my ex had been drinking and up-to-his-usual-antics. At one point during the night, our words turned physical and the next thing I knew we were wrestling on the floor. As I laid there, pinned beneath him, I looked into his eyes and told him to “go ahead and kill me – it would be easier than living this life” and after a short pause, he looked around and started reaching for a nearby pillow.

I knew what was happening but was frozen in a state of shock; it wasn’t until I had the pillow over my face that I came to my senses and decided that I wanted to live. Honestly, it was the thought of my daughter waking up to find her mother lying on the living room floor and her not being able to wake me up that prompted me to start fighting for my life.

I fought like hell to get out from underneath him, ran to my daughter’s room, jumped into bed with her and held onto her for dear life. As he stood over us with his dark silhouette, I knew that he wouldn’t do anything in front of our daughter so I stayed there, next to her, for the rest of the night and until she awoke the next day.

This was again, one of the worst nights of my life, however it was my rock bottom, as it showed me that this wasn’t the life that I wanted for my daughter and I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that ours was a “normal” relationship. It didn’t happen immediately, however it was the beginning of me living my life in the manner that I wanted for my children and it forever changed the woman that I once was – to the woman that I am today.

#IWONTKEEPQUIET Рinspired by Milck

Published by: Zinklat

Tlingit woman, mother and grandmother. A beautiful woman of color. Kusti in Tlingit means life, way of living. Ax kusti is my life and my way of living. I have spent may years studying myself, the person that I am and want to be; the only claim of expertise I can make is in myself, and even that is questionable at times. My goal is to share my life experiences and the lessons that they have brought to me with my children, my grandchildren and the world at large. Gunalcheesh! Thank you!

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